the Henny Flynn podcast

Embracing The Art of Self-Compassion and Everyday Connection (S15E9)

• Henny Flynn • Season 15 • Episode 9

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In this season finale, I want to reflect on something that's been on my mind a lot recently: the power of self-compassion and how we can embrace moments of "wintering" in our lives. For me, wintering isn’t just about the colder months, it’s about the times when we feel called to turn inward, to rest, to nurture ourselves, and to find a sense of renewal.

This is partly why I’ve started a new practice of taking a winter break from mid-December to mid-January. I’ve learned over the years that these intentional pauses for reflection and reconnection are necessary for me, and I suspect it will become something I’ll do every year.

Wintering seems to be featuring in many places right now. And I’ve even discovered that, astrologically, I’ve moved into my eighth house, a time that encourages reflection, introspection, and change. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt like I’ve been wintering since the summer?

Throughout this episode, I share how compassion - whether it’s toward ourselves or others - has such a profound impact on our well-being. I talk about how small, everyday acts of kindness toward ourselves release dopamine and oxytocin, helping us feel more connected and at ease. This is something I see in my own life, in the everyday ♡ compassion emails I send out, and in the connections I’m fortunate to make with you all.

I also share a poem from my My Darling Girl series, which feels especially fitting. It’s a reminder that loving ourselves is at the heart of everything we do. I hope it resonates with you as it does with me.

As we close the year, I'd love to invite you to reflect on how you can embrace these small acts of compassion, both toward yourself and others. 

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Sending you so much love, a big hug, and a wave. Let’s carry the warmth of compassion into the new year together.

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Speaker 1:

So I was meant to do quite a few other things and I felt that I would rather be here with you. Welcome to the Henny Flynn podcast, the space for deepening self-awareness with profound self-compassion. I'm Henny, I write, coach and speak about how exploring our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world, all founded on a bedrock of self-love. Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you, episode takes you, and that decision making, those kinds of decisions, can be an act of profound compassion. It can also be an act of profound distraction and procrastination and sort of mindlessness as opposed to mindfulness, but in this instance it was definitely an act of profound compassion. Rather than burying myself in some administrative tasks that, yes, they, they do need doing and I trust that I will do them, it also felt like a really lovely way to close the year, to come and be with you and to have a little bit of a chat and just see what arises. So this is going to be the last episode in this season of the podcast and I am about to head into my winter break, so you might already know that every summer I take the whole of August to rest, to reset, to reconnect with myself and with others, and my learning has been that as I've got older, as the nature of my work has changed, I need another little bit of time at the end of the year to do the same thing. So I am beginning a new practice, which is to take four weeks between the middle of December and the middle of January, and I suspect it's going to like the August break. It's going to become a practice that I follow each year.

Speaker 1:

There's been an awful lot recently about this art of wintering and of course there's the beautiful wintering book has just come out and I've had lots of messages from people telling me that they are reading it, enjoying it, have bought it, that they are reading it, enjoying it, have bought it. And I'm mindful that my last episode, episode eight of this season, was about my own sense of wintering and actually my sense that wintering isn't necessarily just something that happens in a kind of seasonal sense. It's not necessarily if you're in this part of the world I'm based in the UK it's not necessarily December, january, february, but the essence of wintering this need to turn inward, to care for ourselves, to embrace ourselves and nurture ourselves. To be honest, my sense is that we can have those periods of time, whatever the time of year it is, and and I think I might have shared in the last episode that I feel as though there has been a part of me that's been wintering since the summer. And it's interesting, actually, because I've been reading the book Stars Aligned from, published by Inner Work Project, who are my publishers as well, project, who are my publishers as well, and I now can't remember the name of the, the author, for I really wish I had it in front of me. Actually, if I'd known I was going to talk about it, I'd have brought it. So, yes, so I've been thinking about something that came up in the book, which is that on the beginning of each new year, according to our birthday, we move into a new house in our astrological chart. I know very little about astrology, so you may know an awful lot more than I do, but it was quite interesting. So my birthday's in August and it was quite interesting to see that I've moved into my eighth house and that the eighth house can be a time of turning inward, reflection, introspection, death also features, not necessarily of the individual, hopefully, but in terms of the symbolism of death, being times of change, transformation, and I was really curious about that, having already observed that I feel as though I've been wintering since August. Well, maybe, maybe, maybe part of that is explained by me moving into this eighth house. I'm going to share a link to the book for you in the notes. It's really interesting.

Speaker 1:

I love anything that makes us think or look at things differently. I'm incredibly open to different ideas and you know, and I trust, that I'll make my own judgment about things and take what feels useful, and hopefully that is the same for you when you listen to this podcast. You take the things that feel useful and, you know, leave the things that don't. It's, that's, that's really all any of us can ever do. So what else is on my mind? Oh, something that I realised, and in fact, I've actually used the word embracing today already this idea of embracing ourselves being part of wintering.

Speaker 1:

When I looked at the titles of um the last few episodes from this season, I noticed that the word embracing appears, I think it's like five times again, I haven't got it in front of me now, but I think it's like five times, and there's only been eight episodes so far. This is episode nine, um, and I was really curious about that and I thought, well, maybe this speaks to something that, um, many of us are feeling, this, this need to hold ourselves tenderly. I'm definitely seeing echoes of this in a lot of places, both with clients, with friends, with family members, and and in that kind of wider community of the people that I follow and the people that follow me on Instagram, which is pretty much the only social space that I really pay attention to these days. So, yeah, so embracing, and when I noticed that just before coming on air with you now, I thought, well, does what does that speak of to me? And really, it speaks of everyday compassion, this idea that we can actually embrace ourselves. You know, and embrace, I mean gosh, just that word isn't Just so filled with love, filled with compassion, and actually, even as I'm sitting here, I have this urge to put my arms around myself. In fact, I'm going to do that. You might hear my bracelets jangling. You know, this feeling that we can actually hold ourselves. I mean that is such a beautiful gesture and and I suppose, like, as I'm going off, um, you know, into my winter break, um, one of the things is, you know, if you don't, uh, if you're not yet signed up to the email list, then this won't uh, you won't notice this anyway but if you are part of the email list, then you'll see that things are going to be a little bit quieter for me, because there won't be another episode of the podcast, so you won't get a notification about that, I won't be sending out my Sunday musings, and so it will be a little bit quieter. However, if you are signed up to the almost daily emails, everyday compassion, those very short, concise, little gestures of everyday compassion, if you're signed up to that list, then you'll see that they will keep coming, they will keep flowing.

Speaker 1:

And it's funny, you know, because I came to a point recently where I thought maybe I'm done, maybe it's done, maybe the huge flurry of creative energy that created those has dissipated and maybe my act of compassion toward myself is to accept that that's it, they're done. Um, and I actually spoke to Anton about it and I just said, you know, with something like that, it has to come right from the heart. It can't be something that I sit and think about and force and sort of consciously create consciously as in you know, effortfully create. It needs to be something that just pours out of me, and so I'd kind of come to terms with. That made me feel a little bit sad, but it was okay. I just thought, well, maybe it was only meant to be so many months, and now it's done. And then, obviously, what happened the next morning is I woke up with a huge like flurry of the messaging that I wanted to share, and I have no idea where I say I share and, um, I have no idea where I say I wanted to share. I have no idea where these things actually come from. I don't think they come from me. I can't take any credit, um, but I had a huge, uh, creative, uh, inspirational flurry, and so they will be continuing and they are all set, ready to go.

Speaker 1:

I received them, just like you, if you get them. I received them in my inbox as well, and I'm always surprised by them, because I never know which one is going to land. And you know, I set them up to run quite a long time, sort of in the future, if you see what I mean. So by the time they arrive, I've forgotten what it is, and I always find that they are useful in some way. Maybe sometimes they're more useful than others, sometimes they're less useful than others, but they always seem to provide a moment just to drop in, to drop in to that, that essence of the day, and connect with myself, with myself.

Speaker 1:

And the reason why these kinds of things are useful is that because, for so many of us, the ruminations of our monkey mind, our automatic thinking, can be or can feel so negative and and some days it can feel extremely negative. So, consciously choosing to invite in something, an almost daily email that is designed to open us up to this more loving outlook, is like a balm to our heart or a salve to our soul. You know, these little messages of love, these little messages of everyday compassion, they are there to help you counteract and calm negative thoughts. Now, I understand that for many of us, negative thoughts. Now, I understand that for many of us, the idea of having, you know, three emails coming into our inbox each week can feel like a lot. You know, and if that feels like a lot for you, then your act of compassion is not to invite them in, but if that feels like something that you feel could be interesting to explore, then I'll include a link to sign up to them. And if you've had them before, decided you didn't want them and now feel like you want them again, can absolutely just sign up again and just see what value they bring you.

Speaker 1:

I hooked out a quote which is about the proven power of compassion, and this is from a medical journal talking about how compassion does not fatigue us. I mean, there's a lot within that statement, so let's not get distracted by that. But the quote is compassion goes beyond feeling with the other to feeling for the other. Unlike empathy, compassion increases activity in the areas of the brain involved in dopaminergic reward so your dopamine and oxytocin-related affiliative processes and enhances positive emotions in response to adverse situations. So, essentially, when we engage with this feeling of compassion whether that is toward another person or toward ourselves we get these little hits of dopamine, which is one of the the feel-good uh hormones, one of the things that, um, that actually gets activated when we engage in addictive behaviors. But obviously compassion is something that is really good for us on so many levels. So we're're getting that dopamine hit without having to do the binge watching of Netflix, smoking, drinking, shopping whatever the thing is that might give us dopamine otherwise and oxytocin is.

Speaker 1:

That again is another one of the feel-good hormones. It's the caregiving hormone and what we understand about oxytocin is that it's the. It's the hormone that is released by nursing mothers when their babies are very, very small, and it's this, this internal drug, that helps us connect with love to another. When we think about compassion and expressing compassion to other people, we get this feel good experience inside our body and we all recognize this. You know, think of the people that you love and how you feel when you're with them. You know part of that will be your oxytocin getting released.

Speaker 1:

Now the other research around compassion from people like Dr Kristen Neff. If you don't know selfcompassionorg as a website, I highly recommend it. It's full of brilliant materials for how to access and build your self-compassion. It's also full of research around compassion, and one of the things that we recognize now through this, these incredible studies into compassion, is that it begins with us. It is extremely hard to experience compassion toward others. I'm not I'm sorry if you can hear that background noise. It's, uh, the farm next door running a tractor, um, but it's the experience of um expressing, uh, this loving kindness toward ourselves that enables us to more fully express it toward others.

Speaker 1:

I've talked about this on the podcast a lot and I really hope it's not over egging that particular pudding. But you know, seriously, the act of self-compassion is one of the most generous things that we can put into place in the way that we react to and interact with other people. So, you know, for me, these tiny messages from everyday compassion are like a regular reminder to release some oxytocin and a little bit of dopamine into our system. You know, the power of the word is very well proven. Poets have always known it. Um, and you know, perhaps, perhaps these words will have an impact on you. And if you already receive everyday compassion, these, these emails that I send out, then maybe, hopefully, perhaps, you'll understand more, even more, of what I'm saying.

Speaker 1:

And and it feels like such a lovely topic to close the year on a year where there's been a lot of unrest, you know, globally, maybe locally, maybe in your own country, in your own community, in your own life. And I've just got that song what the World Needs Now is love, sweet love, going through my head. And you know, just echoing what I was saying before, when we practice that toward ourselves, it's much easier to receive it from others and it's much easier to share it with others too. So I'd really love to share a piece of writing from the second volume of my Darling Girl were written for me at a time when I was going through some extraordinarily painful changes and reflections and uncertainty and unrest and you know, I was waking up. They were really the, the poems that poured out of my pen, um to me, for me, um, and helped me with my own enormous and ongoing change journey.

Speaker 1:

And then the poems of my darling girl, volume two. There's something a little different about those. They feel as though I mean for me, as I, as I read them, I feel like they represent being a little bit further along my path and maybe, if you've got copies of the two books, maybe you resonate with this as well. But I thought for today, talking about compassion, talking about the deep wisdom of compassion, passion, this very kind of adult relationship with ourselves, I thought maybe the poetry from volume two might be more resonant and I immediately came to this poem and I'd love to share it with you and maybe, maybe, it speaks to you as well, it with you, and maybe, maybe it speaks to you as well.

Speaker 1:

My darling girl, I can love you. I can, light your way, shine full beam, share your burdens, take your hand when the sky is dark. I can stand beside you, stay here always, speak words of love, soothe your fear of the black dog's bark. I can hold you through it all. But, my darling child, I cannot love you for you. Only you can love yourself. Turn your gaze inside. You See all that I can see. Have faith in your true essence and in your seeing be.

Speaker 1:

That's from page 57, if you want to go to your own copy of my darling girl too, um, so that feels like a a natural place to pause.

Speaker 1:

And, and something else that I would love to share with you is you know, I said at the beginning that I chose to come and talk with you rather than do the things that I'd mentally planned, prepared, thought about doing, and in this act, I knew it was an act of self-compassion to to come and sit here and just talking about compassion and talking about how important these things are and connecting in with some of the thoughts and the feelings that are associated with it builds that feeling inside me too, and maybe I've got a little bit of a dopamine hit and some oxytocin running through my system, and I really, really hope that being here and connecting together in this way also brings some of that feeling for you too, so I will share. I'll share a link to that beautiful book that I mentioned from Inner Work Project about stars aligned. I will also share links to my Darling Girl as well, in case that's something that's new for you. That's something that's new for you.

Speaker 1:

And please do sign up for the everyday compassion emails. If you've never had them, then you've got many to enjoy. They will just begin at the beginning and work through, and if you already receive them, then there are definitely some more in the pipeline, so hopefully you'll enjoy those too. So I'm sending you so much love, so much love, and I send you a hug and a wave. Thank you, thank you.