the Henny Flynn podcast

Letters of Love: Navigating the Tenderness of Mother’s Day (S16E7)

• Henny Flynn • Season 16 • Episode 7

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Depending on the stories we each carry, Mother’s Day can stir deep and complicated emotions. 

In this tender episode, I share that I was recently invited to write an article for The Gloss on the aspects of Mother's Day, that don't always get acknowledged. 

It inspired this episode and I include an invitation to write an unsent letter as a way of exploring the truth of your relationship with your mother, whatever shape that truth takes.

This isn’t about sentimentality or simplifying what may be layered with loss, distance, confusion or grief. Instead, it’s an act of profound compassion - a way to gently honour what lives within you.

I share guidance from Letters of Love, reflections from my own experience of writing to my mother, and finish with a piece from My Darling Girl - a reminder that, no matter what our story has been, we can learn to be a loving presence for ourselves.

If this day feels tender for you -  or for someone you love - I hope this episode offers a soft place to land.

BOOKS

Letters of Love - a journaling practice for wisdom & connection, published by Inner Work Project, available everywhere

My darling girl, vol. 1, only available direct from Henny Flynn

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Speaker 1:

I was invited recently to write an article for an online magazine, the Gloss, and it was all to do with Mother's Day and the fact that, like many other annual celebrations, for many of us the sense of celebration might not be quite so present. Welcome to the Henny Flynn podcast the space for deepening self-awareness with profound self-compassion. I'm Henny, I write, coach and speak about how exploring our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world, all founded on a bedrock of self-love. Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you. I'd like to share with you how the article begins and it's titled writing the unsaid how a letter to your mum can bring comfort on mother's day, and that really gives you the clue to the practice that I'm offering up, inviting you to consider and see whether it's something that feels like it might be useful for you.

Speaker 1:

The article begins for many, mother's Day is a time of tenderness. While the world seems filled with cards and bouquets, for those of us whose mothers are no longer here or whose relationships are complex or estranged, the day can feel dissonant, isolating, even painful, can feel dissonant, isolating, even painful. Each year around this time, I'm reminded of the messages we're surrounded by, ones that suggest this is a day for celebration, togetherness, uncomplicated love, and yet so many people carry unspoken stories, stories of grief, longing, confusion, regret. Stories of grief, longing, confusion, regret. The truth is not all mother-child relationships are simple and not all mothers are still here. Even the term mum can hold different meanings for each of us and, of course, we all know the truth in those words, words. Maybe we know the truth because that's our personal lived experience, or because we see it in loved ones, friends who maybe have a more complicated relationship with their maternal carer, their mother, than you do yourself. Or perhaps you see that a friend, a loved one, has lost their mother and you have the. Of course, it's not just in. You know, these days of the annual round of, you know special, special moments to celebrate specific people or things, that these feelings, these experiences are present. But events like Mother's Day can really spike that feeling within us, maybe triggering sadness, loss, grief, anger, frustration, whatever it might be. Sadness, loss, grief, anger, frustration, whatever it might be.

Speaker 1:

And it's one of the reasons why I included a practice of writing to our mothers and writing to our fathers too. We'll come to them another day, maybe as part of this practice of writing letters of love, and you know, the really important thing here is that these are letters of love, but not the rose-tinted variety, not the let's pretend everything's okay, kind things okay kind. These are letters of love that are that deep, true, wise, mindful, present love that we all have access to but that can sometimes feel like it evades us. And in this practice of putting pen to paper, I do recommend it's a handwritten exercise, although if that's not available for you, then obviously doing it as a voice note or, you know, sort of typing it out on a screen, also has huge value. We approach it the best way for ourselves. There are no rules, but when we do this act, when we put these words down in whatever way feels right for you, we're able to express what perhaps has been unsaid. We may be able to open up a gateway, a portal to something which perhaps has been sitting within us. Sometimes I find um sort of particular memories or or stories that we're holding can feel almost like a, like a thorn, um, you know, in our skin, and and actually this act of journaling in this way, these unsent letters of love, can be a very delicate, very careful, very mindful way of gently removing that thorn and then allowing that wound to heal. Now, of course, this really depends on your story, your experience, and we always go so gently, with endless tenderness, when we're so gently, with endless tenderness, when we're um, tending to a practice like this.

Speaker 1:

I, in the book, I talk about finding a peaceful place. I also offer up a meditation practice, and if that's something that you'd find useful, then, um, you know, either, uh, get hold of a copy of the book or you can see my meditations that I share on insight timer. They're completely free, you can access them. You just need to download the app, um, and so we begin by really settling ourselves, um, maybe getting a lovely, warm drink, something that we really enjoy, finding a really comfortable, peaceful place to settle so that our nervous system knows that this is a safe space for us, and getting your journal or, you know, a lovely piece of paper, maybe a piece of writing paper, even a pen, that you really enjoy using, and just beginning, and beginning with a term of endearment, whatever feels available to you that feels true, true, you'll see.

Speaker 1:

If you have a chance to take a look at a copy of Letters of Love, of the book that I've written, there is one particular letter that I share where I don't begin with the term of endearment, because it just didn't feel true to me to be able to do that. So we really really listen to what feels most true for us and if you can begin with the term of endearment, um, that can help to set the um, the tone of how we continue to write, um, and it may be that you notice feelings that don't feel like love, and and that is okay too we let the words come without rules, without expectations, and if we notice that we're slipping into anger, shame, blame, frustration, all of those very human emotions, we allow that to be there. And then we ask the question how can I bring more compassion here? And if you've been to any of my journaling events, you'll know that that's a question that I return to again and again. You know it's such a useful tool to help us, whatever we're journaling about, actually, and particularly, I think, in these more sort of complex or delicate times having something like that sentence how can I bring more compassion here? We write it in the page of our letter or in the page of our journal and then we see what follows, and it just helps us respond to that question again with our deepest truth, and one of the things that I note about myself, but also about others, when they use these practices, is that it is astonishing how much compassion we each hold within us if we only ask it to speak.

Speaker 1:

So if you do try writing a letter of love to your mum or your mother this Mother's Day, I invite you to hold yourself gently and, if things feel tricky, pause. Take a moment to resettle, to calm back, maybe. Take a few breaths, have a sip of your warm drink, get really comfortable again and then see how that feels for you. And maybe you need to take a longer pause, and that's okay. There is no time scale here.

Speaker 1:

You can return to this as and when you wish and, of course, one of the most fundamental things I've already mentioned is that it remains unsent. So if your mother is still alive, there is not. This is not a letter that is sent to her, although maybe become something that where there are aspects of it that you feel it would be useful in some way, helpful, loving to share, but really the essence of the letter is that it remains unsent. It is for you, it is an energetic expression rather than a material expression of something out into the, into the world. Um, and I think it's one of the reasons why it's so important that it remains unsent is because when we know this as we are writing, then we're able to write without constraint. We're not writing in such a way that we're anticipating what the reader will say or think or feel or do. We're simply able to write the fullness of our truth and, through that, validate our experience of it.

Speaker 1:

And a letter of love like this can be a way to honor that truth. And you know, I think one of the other things that I say in the book actually is that, you know, writing in this way it can stir some very deep feelings. So we honor those feelings too, and rather than trying to push them away, you know, a beautiful practice can be to really gently put them inside a bubble. You might even want to kind of imagine a bubble and the words or the feelings, the emotions inside that bubble. And that bubble is a bubble of kindness, it's a bubble where we are holding ourselves and what we are feeling with tenderness rather than judging ourselves in any way, and it is with this most profound compassion for our self and for the words that are coming through, that we're able at least my sense is that we're able to then really receive the benefit of this kind of practice.

Speaker 1:

And, yeah, I think the other thing that I kind of wanted to share here is that in the book in letters of love, I share an extract from a letter that I wrote to my own mother. Now she died in 2015. So gosh, yes, 10 years. That's interesting. It's interesting that here I am talking about her and I chose not to share my whole letter in the book. It was originally in there and then, as we got closer to publication date, I realised it just didn't feel right, and the reason it didn't feel right to share the whole letter is because I am one of four children, I have three brothers, and she was their mother too, and so my grief and my memories and my experience of being her daughter they don't solely belong to me in the sense that there is also, I recognise, entanglement from the experiences that my brothers have had and have, from the experiences that my brothers have had and have, and so therefore I, through my deep respect for their experiences, chose not to share the whole of that letter in the book, but what I did share was this I want to tell you that things are okay, we are okay, that I have survived hard things, that I still love fiercely, that I still laugh at the silliness of life, that I remember moments in your arms as a child that still make me smile. I want to tell you that I still think of you and I know you think of me still.

Speaker 1:

You know, I've read those words so many times since I wrote them and I think it was only reading them out loud to you that brought back the meaning that fell onto the page when I first wrote them. One of the things that I wrote in the article I mentioned at the very beginning of this episode was we see that our grief, our experiences, our stories can sometimes feel entangled with others. Being able to express the uniqueness of our own feelings in these unsent letters of love gives us something we may not find elsewhere a place where everything that's asking to be said is able to be heard. So I offer up this episode, this love, these words, love these words to everyone who has had moments of complexity or sorrow, grief, anger, joy, love, connection and compassion with their mothers however we might define that term, and whoever the person is that we call our mother. I want to send so much love, and I also.

Speaker 1:

As is often the way when I'm feeling into an episode like this, I turn to my first book of my Darling Girl. Me that they heard the poetry that's in the my Darling Girl books, written as though they were letters from my own mother to me, and so that felt resonant as we were talking about mothers here, and, and I know, when the books were first published, I was overwhelmed by the number of messages I received from people saying that they felt that it was their own mother's voice that was speaking to them, and I pulled the book off the shelf. I opened it at random just to see. Well, what does the part of me that writes my Darling Girl, what does she have to say to offer us as a piece of wisdom for this moment?

Speaker 1:

This Mother's Day, my Darling girl, think of all the happy times. Think of frost sparkling in the trees. Think of leaves softening your step. Think of sand beneath your toes. Think of sun on your skin. Think of cold biting at your cheeks. Think of sweetly scented rooms. Think of hands held in yours. Think of hugs that warm your soul. Think of kisses, light as air. Think of friendships, love and care. Think of who you've been with and where. Think of every happy moment, minute, hour, day, month, year. Think of this life and all the times there have been when your heart has sung and your cheeks have ached with smiling. Think of the constants. There have been, the threads that flow through all these times. Flow through all these times and remember that, in truth, there is just one, one constant, one thread, one person who has always been in the center of this happiness you, of course. My love it's you. And so for me, that poem, that piece, was a reminder to to myself that I am my own parent. I am here to love myself through everything that life offers me, and I find that deeply comforting. I find that deeply comforting to recognize that we are able to be here for ourselves in a way that perhaps wasn't always available for others to be there for us in the past. And I say that with the utmost love and respect to every mother, every father, every brother, every sister, every friend, sending you so much love, so much love, much love.

Speaker 1:

And if you want to get hold of either of those books letters of love, which is this journaling practice for wisdom and connection. It's full of guidance. It's got lots of really beautiful prompts, um, and and some some of my own letters are in there too. That you can read or not read Depends entirely on what you prefer. Then I'll put a link to that in the show notes, and I'll also include a link to the first volume of my Darling Girl too, although I have a feeling I'm incredibly low on stock of that. So if you do want to order, there might be a little bit of a wait. Okay, okay, oh, so much love Sending a hug and a wave. Thank you.